


Waiting game

by Beefnboof



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Baby, F/M, Life - Freeform, Real Life, Sad, Story, ex's, husband, please dont delete, unborn, wife - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:02:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22186804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beefnboof/pseuds/Beefnboof
Summary: This is about how I yearn for my dream. How far I've come. This is from years of my life, pushed into a small work. Year's range from 2006-2016 with my ex's, then 2016-2017 was spent in Arizona after the move back from Washington-2017-2018 is the year I spent in Utah and 2018-now is what I have with what I have now.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	Waiting game

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't about any anime, or a real type of fandom. This is my life and I want to share it in a place where I feel more comfortable than a real website. I understand what this site is, I do side fics on the side. This isn't meant to offend anyone, when I use the word "Gay" it is to describe him- and why he wanted a child in less than more words. It was not to point out that he is just that, he knows what he is and I like him for that- because he is who he is. It may not have worked with what we wanted but he's still my friend.

~~I~~ / We Want You\Waiting Game

Now when you read this, the you isn't real. When I say YOU, I mean your life, Not your physical being. The who YOU could have been. Who YOU will come to be during this game of wait.. But I can't wait to meet you... I'm sure that day will feel as if everything is then complete in not just my life, but in our small little family as well. I can't say you're officially created yet, but we are trying for you so just wait and take this time to enjoy, you. I feel as if I've lost you three times- even though I can't even say I "had" you yet to lose. I've dreamed of what you'll look like but if you ask your father, he would probably mention how I dreamed my first child would turn into a puppy but agree that you're my dream. He watched me sob over the idea of never having you, he watched as my heart broke- test after negative test, even though as I type this- I've only had five or so negative tests. To me, that was one too many and each time I saw the singular line- I broke a little more inside.

Before your father- I had two boyfriends. One was kind of kind, he at least tried to show that he cared in his own way. I lived in Arizona and He, in Texas. I met him on a nerdy web-forum with avatars you can play with, I lied to my mother about where I was going and took off to meet him- telling absolutely no one but a friend I had since I was 8 or 9 year's old, I was 18 when I took this journey. The other cared only about himself and his appearance- making me a look don't talk trophy. I met him in High School, he was this fat kid who never shut up- at one point I took the gargoyle head I had sculpted in Art Class and and threw it at the back of his head because I asked him a few time's to stop talking obnoxiously because other student's are trying to be serious. Needless to say, the tooth from my sculpture stabbed the back of his head. I started dating him after I lost you, the first time. To this day, I'm unsure why I wasted so many year's to him and the only conclusion I have, is that I was too scared of change and the mental abuse didn't help. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to tell you about the time's I almost had you, to the day your father and I decided to try for you for real.

This first time I could have met you- ended with my carelessness and ended losing a life I didn't know that I had inside me. I went cliff jumping into a lake with my friend, that was just a little too much pressure for you- and I'm sorry you didn't make it. I can shamefully say that I was glad you didn't stay, because my future from that point didn't really seem to great..

The other guy? He was cruel to the idea of you. Not going to lie, I was too at first. I didn't want to take care of something long term- I didn't even love myself enough to seek help for what was coming till it was almost too late. This guy forced to take abortion pills even though no real intercourse took place.. Taken to an abortion clinic because he was foolish and bought ovulation test kit and not a pregnancy test. But- it was that false hope that gave me the yearn to have you in my arms. I never stooped too low- like cheating to get my way. I never wanted you out of hate or spite, I wanted you out of at that time- selfish love. I did however try to inseminate myself behind his back. I am not proud of that- nor ashamed because I wanted you so bad. But you not being there after my attempts was a sign from this world to wait- wait a little longer. I hated this game.

This game, this was the worst game I had ever played in my life.

The second time- this man, caused me so much grief, I once almost had an adoption- my friend accidentally got pregnant and didn't want the baby, so she called me knowing I wanted you. This man before your father- told me that I could have this darling unborn life- then took it away 20 minutes later- telling me he wasn't ready so I took my friend to Planned Parenthood where this life died. It was then that I tried taking my own life. I tried smashing my car into a cement barricade on a turn to merge onto a different freeway in the state of Washington going around 100 MPH. The only reason I didn't do it is because I knew I was still needed..  
There is a little girl who wasn't even a year old in Arizona that needed me- but I didn't know that. This little girl is your older sister- Genevieve- AKA- Eevee.

Did you know that your father dreamed of me, as I dreamed of him? He laid down next to the mother of Eevee, and dreamed of a red head as I laid down next to a man who borderline hated me, dreaming of your father who held me as I cried in my dreams. Little did I know, his name was always held in my heart because of a song by the band name Jimmy Eat World. Your fathers name is Jimmie. There is a song called "The Middle" and this song always came on when my life was just too much for me. To this day it comes on once in a while and I cherish it. The song says "It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride, everything, everything will be alright." I remembered that lyric, kept it close to me. It helped me get thru all the bad times. I wasn't really a social person, very close kept and shy of others. I'm no butterfly with social interaction. The song was right though, I was just in the middle- I left this man and opened my eyes, I didn't need him to have you- or even to be happy. All I needed was me, and eventually I told myself you would come along. At this point, I moved back to Arizona- but it was also that time your father found me.

He added me on a social media group called Facebook- from having mutual friends- he says its because I'm a redhead. I was weary on this, I didn't like adding men because to me- they all sucked. Not that I was interested in women or anything, not my thing- but I just wanted to be single for a while. Him and I never really talked for the whole year we had each other on Facebook- I would like his stuff once in a while... One day I spoke with my sister and decided to move to her house in Utah- it was there I was promised by a (gay) man a child- he said he wanted one to just carry on his name- no strings attached. The only reason I would have done that, is to meet you. I wanted you so bad that I wanted to be a single mother, but NOW I know that I was foolish, I mentally knew nothing would come out of that but it was fun.. I guess. That was okay, because it wasn't till recent that I learned that it takes a village to raise a child. No one can do that alone.. I didn't care though. My mind was made up and I set out to give this a try, good thing nothing became of that, and I mean that with innocence because you would have been a child with no future, not like the one you'll have now.. Your father- he messaged me shortly after I left AZ... It wasn't the most proper way to say hello to a woman, but I'm not a normal woman.

He sent me a video that was just so down right inappropriate, I of course laughed and it sparked what now is a pure love. I had obligations that I had in Utah, I could not just leave yet- even though all I wanted was to meet your father in person. I was soon falling head over heels for him- challenging him to make me blush over texts because I didn't think I could- I totally thought I sealed myself away from lovely emotions, I tried going on dates- it just never worked. But your father- he was able to make me feel thing I didn't even know could be felt. And what I noticed, is he had a child as well. I wondered what kind of Father he was, how is his daughter- who is she? I asked myself these questions then got sad, because I wanted that- I wanted a family. That was when I decided to wait to find love to get you.  
Your father was like the summer heat in the cold frozen air of winter. Every time my phone went off, my heart melted the frostbitten hate that I had manifested inside of me. My scowl became a smirk as I learned that he had played a move of Words with Friends, who knew he'd scrabble my life too. I slowly watched the snow melt on the ground, revealing the green earth below- just like your father probably watched me grow into who I am now, and will become in our future. After a year, I was allowed to go home- to Arizona- to your father.  
Oh the heat of Arizona is awful, my child. Its horrible, it made me cringe. But he was worth it. Your father is worth that grueling drive down to the heat. When I got here, I messaged him probably not even a week later and we hung out that same night. After watching a movie with him, I went to go home and he did it- he kissed me. I panicked so I bit him, I told him it was like kissing, but there was a winner. Cheesy one liner from Doctor Who... I got in my car afterwards rather quickly because I couldn't believe I bit him. I've never bit anyone before but it's okay because he caught us both off guard, a couple weeks into dating- he said it- he said he loved me. I was dropping him off at his home and as I went to drive away, he said "K, Love you, Bye." I slammed on the breaks and with a shrilled shrieky tone I replied "Really?!" He chuckled nervously- saying "Well, yeah.. I guess I do if I said it- I only say it when I mean it." I smiled- giving him a kiss and confessing my love to him as well. It was the next day, I met her, your older sister.

I was so scared at first- I was just helping my sister with her son, your cousin, who is the same age but couldn't verbally speak, unlike Eevee who knew a whole slew of words. I spoke to her as I did with him, your father quickly shut that down, telling me that she wasn't an infant. Your older sister slowly grew on me- although it was slightly challenging at first. She was as equally jealous of me as I was of her. Jealousy is a hurtful feeling and if you let it take over- it can kill anything. It's like a mold that grows over the most beautiful of vibrant pinkish red hearts and turns it into a putrid green fuzz with black spots that you swear stare at you with non-existent eyes.  
That jealousy almost ruined everything- I decided to seek help on the internet, reading articles about how to share a man with his child- silly... I know. But you don't get it until it happens. They'll say something like "Uhh that's a kid- why in gods name would you get jealous?" Easily, actually. Very.Easy. Because when you go from being solo attention to co-attention, it feels sometimes disheartening. Like "Wow, I was talking to you and you snubbed me for a toddler.." But at what point will you, the adult stand up and ask "okay how do I share this feeling of love from him, to his child?" But I didn't understand any of this till your father became sick again. I got two days to feel those complex emotions, before your father got an infection from a surgery he had prior to him and I meeting, way before actually.

I knew, I knew your father had health problems- but I didn't KNOW about the problems.. You'd have to ask him for the best details, but needless to say he has Fungal Meningitis. It's not contagious as other's would think or else I would have it. I spent an entire month sleeping on a couch bed in a hospital, right by your fathers side. I'd watch as nurses and doctors got all gowned up with caution as they entered the ICU room, I knew it wasn't policy after I had called them out when they asked me to gown up as well one day. I told them that I had been in there for a few weeks without it, and that if I was going to "catch" this, I would have already. He isn't contagious, it actually made me cry when I thought of walking into the room in protection gear. I understand why it's there, in case it was contagious, but at this point in my life, I would have gladly got it if it meant being next to him.  
Your father ended up getting sick one day from the pain killer concoction they pumped into his blood stream, he was throwing up. He was talking to me as I sat there next to him, and all I heard him say was"Bucket" and I knew that he meant he was going to throw up- so I grabbed that pink bucket so quick that when your father was thru throwing up, that he looked up at me and asked me if I would marry him. I said "Heck Yes." But I also was thinking he wasn't too serious, like an "omg marry me" moment, because most men got down on one knee.. But they don't. He meant it- but then again... So did I. He asked once again when he asked your great grandparents for my hand- your Grammie and Poppa.  
Around the fourth month, I started to see what love actually was. It wasn't just your father who showed me, it was your sister. She is my biggest inspiration in life now, and you of course but she carved your path for you, small one. She inspired me to be a better person, to want to live just one extra day if I got to see her sweet smile once more. To me- my life had no value- but to her, it was becoming a priceless love that couldn't be felt from her mother, nor father. The love of a bonus mother- one who will never hold any bar low- who will keep a secret like a best friend- someone who will never fail at giving a snack to when no one is looking- One who will take the blame of dad's favorite cup being broken. I fixed it, I fixed the broken bridge between Eevee and I, the mold was bleached and all that was left was pure hearted love in a small heart.  
Here comes the third time I lost you. Your father and I created you on our wedding night, or on our honeymoon but most likely wedding night. I wasn't foolish, but my emotions are so wild it most likely lead to my egg's demise. Your older sisters mother decided to drop the big bomb that she was under investigation from DCS (CPS) because her and her third baby daddy were getting into fights outside the home- I won't go too much into detail but lets just say all that depression and stress made me lose you a month into your growth, but I didn't know until it was too late. I lost you yet again, my heart broke like it never had broke before. I was so much stronger that first time, but then again this time there was a "We" involved. We wanted you, but the world knew with all that was going on, the timing just wasn't right... Back to that waiting game, how I detested this. It was like being passed a water bottle full of ice cold water after trekking through a desert all day with nothing to sip on- just to spill it all over the hot desert sand, watching as it absorbed into the earth from where it came. That hurt was too real, but it was okay. I trusted your father when he said that our time will come again. We waited over a year for you, a hard year that no one was ready for.  
During this year, we discovered that your father has seizures- new side effect from that month in the hospital, they relocated his shunt to the back of his head. He had two thus far, but as I who has had one knows- that is two too many. That's okay though, it was more reason that you couldn't have been here yet. What would a pregnant person have done when he had the second seizure in his sleep? I couldn't have done anything to save him like I did that day, had you been inside me. This world once again delayed you- because the game needed to restart.  
The only thing that kept us strong, during the times we needed you was choosing out names- we still bicker about them but that's okay. Your name will flow nicely when I yell at you and your sister down the hall- it has to go with her name so that way its not awkward to shout when you're both being mischievous.  
Fast forward to almost exactly a year later- we started trying for you once again, this time for real. Things are still a little hard, but love is real and the fire your father and I built is like the flames of that of a Phoenix- undying. We understand where we are now, the timing is right and by the time you're here, you'll be the key that unlocks our family. We are here, we ~~want~~ need you. Please come soon, I had a wellness check and I was told there isn't a reason you shouldn't be here soon, so please- hurry up smallface.

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not judge me for posting this here. I'm not infertile, I'm someone who has hope to have her dream come true and I wanted to share this journey with people who will read this, and maybe give them hope they need.


End file.
